That’s Why I’ll Use Gloves from Now On

It's amazing to me that, despite having no children, I still am not able to set aside enough time over a weekend to take in a movie.

This past Saturday I had an early appointment with my housekeeper, Anica, to take her out to my father's home to have her sort through the last of his belongings remaining in the house and have her clean it in preparation for the home going on the market.

I had been hoarding boxes for the better part of a year like some crazy old woman stockpiling on catnip and kitty litter. Both the trunk of my car and part of the backseat where piled high. This should have been okay as it was going to be Anica, her "assistant" and I. So of course, when I pick her up, she has another person with her. This forces me to turn back around, drop the boxes off in my garage, and go back to pick everyone.

Fortunately, both the realtor and the locksmith were running late too; I met them at the house on time.

After the locksmith has changed the locks, I went back home to get the boxes. I made a stop at the car wash on the way back; I refuse to drive a car that is dirty. I have friends with cars that are so filthy, one could practically grow tomatoes on the roof.

When I get back to the house, Anica stammers that they found a snake in the garage. The conversation goes something like this:

Anica: There was a snake in the garage.
My eyes open wide.
Me: My nephew kept a boa constrictor in an aquarium in the garage. He was supposed to get rid of it. Are you saying it's still in there?
Anica: Yes.

Me: In the aquarium? Wow, it really is junky in the garage. I did not even see it. I'll call animal control to see if they will come get in.
Anica: No. It's in a pillowcase.
Me: Alive!! My God was it roaming free in the garage!?! This is not Animal Planet. I am so sorry.
Anica: No, It is dead.
Me: Errrr...where was it?
Anica: In the pillowcase. We reached in the pillowcase to see what was inside. We found the snake.

Anica: It stinks.

Me: Eeeew! I am so very sorry. Thank you for putting it in the pillowcase.
Anica: It's been dead a while.
Note: I evicted my nephew at the end of December. It is now February.
Me: Ummm...I'll find out how one gets rid of a snake, outside of digging a hole in the backyard and burying it.

A lot of investigation work and a few hours later, I have determined that the snake can be thrown in the dumpster which is arriving in a few days. It was, indeed, the property of my nephew who was holding it for a "friend." No explanation has been given for how this friend was supposed to Houdini himself into a locked house and remove the snake.

My brother thinks I should drive out to Westminster, hurl the snake over my head as if I am Anya Major throwing a sledgehammer in the famous 1984 commercial by Apple, and try to throw it so that it wraps around my nephew's head. I think he has highly over estimated my throwing ability as well as my psychological stamina. There is a reason I asked Alicia to double bag the snake in a Hefty Steel Sack bag and throw it away in the dumpster. I am not touching it.

Obviously, my housekeeper and her friends are getting a rather large tip when I pay them. This is in addition to the profuse apologies I already gave them.